Tag Archive for: Dating

Conference Couple

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Ileostomates Andy and Sandee began their life adventures at a national ostomy conference 19 years ago.

By Ed Pfueller, UOAA Communications & Outreach Manager

When Andy Kyriacou stood up to ask a question of a panelist at the 2004 United Ostomy Association (UOA) Conference in Kentucky, he got more then just a good answer. He inadvertently found a new life partner.

The session was about dating and designed for single ostomates. Sandee Prechtel was on the panel and brought the perspective of dating again after losing her husband of 39 years. Andy, who became a widow losing his longtime wife the previous year, asked about her experience dating again after, now with an ostomy.

Andy and Sandee at the 2019 UOAA National Conference in Philadelphia. The couple met at a conference in 2004 and have not missed a conference since.

“Well, you kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince,” Sandee recalls saying. They remember it being a great panel discussion that encouraged the audience to be confident in themselves.

During the rest of the conference, the pair would run into each here and there and chat briefly before sessions. “She was very easy to talk to,” Andy remembers.

As is tradition at UOA and now UOAA conferences, the closing night party ended with dancing. Andy asked Sandee to dance, and a small spark kindled. They danced the last dance of the evening.

“I did not want the evening to end so asked her to go for a walk along the Ohio River,” Andy remembers. “We walked and talked from around midnight to 1-2 am.”

They talked about life goals, former spouses, aspirations, and soon realized they had much in common. “We found out we both had two adult children and were in longtime marriages,” Sandee says.

“Well, you kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince”

Andy was living in Connecticut and Sandee in Arizona so they exchanged emails and made tentative plans to attend the next conference the following year. Once they started emailing and talking on the phone, however, it became clear they’d want to see each other before the next conference.

“Sandee invited me to Tucson for New Years Eve, 2005 and I figured it would be either the longest or shortest few days, depending on how it went,” Andy remembers. Andy had a chance to meet her kids and it became clear their relationship would be more then just a friendship. “We planned future rendezvouses right after that,” Andy says.  The long-distance relationship was a fit for their mutual love of travel and in the next few years they met up in New Orleans, Virginia, Cleveland, Hartford and of course at the next UOA conference in 2005 in Anaheim.

When UOA annual conferences morphed into UOAA biennial conferences, they kept on attending to see each other and the many friends they have made over the years.

“It really is a life changing experience you can’t find anywhere else to be among that many ostomates and their partners. You have no idea who has an ostomy and who does not,” Sandee says. “There is always something new to learn, we look forward to going to explore all the new cities and locations.”

Both are also active volunteers in their local ostomy support groups in Hartford and Tucson. Andy served as Vice President in his group, Sandee was President of her group. At the 2017 National Conference in Irvine, Sandee was awarded the Affiliated Support Group Leadership Award by UOAA for her exemplary service to her local ostomy community.

“I did not want the evening to end so asked her to go for a walk along the Ohio River”

She is particularly proud of the informal and well attended new ostomate monthly meeting her group has been hosting for many years. “The tips they receive are really important in their recovery,” Sandee says. If a new ostomate has questions or concerns about dating and relationships the couple is happy to share their personal story.

Sandee has since stepped back from an ASG leadership role but Andy is quick to point out, “She is the glue that holds everything together.” When Andy retired in 2007 the couple began to split their time between Connecticut and Arizona.

In 2012 knowing that Sandee loves heart shaped rings, they picked out a diamond ring and Andy got down one knee.  Though not married on paper, they are committed life partners. They continue to always be up for new adventures.

“We’ve never been to Houston, we’re really looking forward to it!” They both say about UOAA’s 8th National Conference this August. “And As long as we are physically able to, we plan to keep going to each one.”

It will be 19 years since that fateful connection in Kentucky. We’ll save the last dance for them again this year in Houston and ask Sandee if she thinks she has found that prince.

Telling People About Your Ostomy

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It’s been said before, but it is worth repeating: who you tell about your ostomy and when you tell them is completely up to you. This is the first and foremost rule you should keep in mind when it comes to sharing about your ostomy. Most likely others won’t know you have an ostomy unless you bring it up.  If you are reading this before your surgery, you will need to think about what kind of support you are looking for. As you decide to let people in on your new situation, consider who can offer you the support and friendship you need during this time.

Place of Work

There is no right or wrong way when it comes to sharing about your ostomy at work. It might be that no one needs to know about it, it doesn’t affect your work and you are receiving enough support from friends and family and other people outside of work. Or, your situation might be that you need to take frequent breaks to empty your pouch and so explaining a little bit about your surgery will help your employer to understand what’s going on. Again, feel free to be as specific or general as you want. It might even be helpful to write out a small script so you can go into this conversation with added confidence. Decide how much you want to share, and how willing you are to answer questions.

Family and Close Friends

Hopefully, you aren’t trying to go through this life-changing experience alone. Family and/or friends should be the foundation of your support network. Having someone you trust at medical appointments with you can be helpful for your morale, but also to have another set of ears to remember details and information that you may have missed. When you decide to let other people close to you in on the reality of your situation, ask the person who was with you at those appointments to be there to support you. It’s amazing how much more confident we can feel having the energy of a loving and loyal person at our side.

Romantic Partners

If you are in a committed relationship prior to your surgery, then it’s likely they will be informed of your ostomy and the changes to your body. While it can be scary to let people in and tell them about your ostomy, it can be even scarier to be alone in the process. Going through this with a partner by your side can be so beneficial to your recovery process, and can also help to strengthen your relationship.

Dating after your ostomy can seem daunting at first, but as you heal and become more and more comfortable with your new routine, your confidence will grow.  Keep in mind that it’s completely up to you when to tell a new romantic partner about your ostomy. As with your workmates, you may want to take the time to figure out what you want to say before you say it. It’s okay to keep it short and basic and then decide if you want to take some time to answer questions.

Confidence

The more confident and comfortable you are with your ostomy, the more this will show when you speak about it. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to heal and get used to the changes and new routine that an ostomy brings. Try to focus on the positive things that having an ostomy surgery has done for you and your body. It may be helpful to speak with others who are in a similar situation.  Talk to someone who has gone before you and find out how they told people about their ostomy.

It’s up to you who you tell, when you tell them and how you do it.

Visit the Coloplast Care site for more information on sharing about your ostomy at work.

 

Information from Coloplast® Care is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to substitute for professional medical advice and should not be interpreted to contain treatment recommendations. You should rely on the healthcare professional who knows your individual history for personal medical advice and diagnosis.

Editor’s note: This blog is from one of our digital sponsors, Coloplast. Sponsor support along with donations from readers like you help to maintain our website and the free trusted resources of UOAA, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

Destined to Love, Ostomates by Chance

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By Ed Pfueller, UOAA Communications Manager

Taylor Mitchell and Michael Ross

It was raining every day, for weeks, before Taylor and Michael were set to get married. But as the recently wed couple stepped out of the church for photos, only the sun was shining, a distant mountain range framed their joy – the chilly Alaskan rain held off.

“It was an absolutely magical day,” says Taylor, the bride. “Taylor took my breath away when I saw her, she was absolutely stunning,” Michael recalls.

Even if the dark clouds had drenched their special day, it’s doubtful it would have dampened their mood. This specific couple is used to living with ostomies and chronic illness and they seem prepared to weather any storm.

Friends from the Start

Taylor and Michael first met ten years ago in a local college undergrad class. “I scanned the room, saw him, thought he was cute, and decided I wanted to sit by him and try to be friends. I didn’t know if anything would come of our friendship. We had a great connection as friends, Taylor recalls.

“She was smart, insightful, and easy on the eyes, but I would never have imagined she was interested in me beyond friendship,” Michael says.

The friendship slowly turned into dating. “We have a lot in common and also have a lot of differences. I love to plan, and she is more spontaneous. We both respect each other and can be vulnerable with each other, and the biggest thing is we trust each other,” Michael says.

Taylor says some things she loves about Michael is that he understands her and that they have a shared faith. “He always wants to help me any way he can, and he’s generous to others,” she says.

What is an Ostomy?

“While we were dating, I didn’t know Michael had an ostomy for a while and when he did tell me, I had no idea what it was,” Taylor says. “His ostomy was never an issue for me and so my experience while dating was positive! His ostomy never impacted anything in our relationship from my perspective.”

Michael has had a long ostomy journey and awareness, his mother had a urostomy. ”I had a colostomy for about two years, takedown for four, and have had a permanent ileostomy for the past fifteen years due to complications with Crohn’s disease,” he says.

“I didn’t date much before I met Taylor but had no negative experiences when I did date. Taylor was very understanding when I told her (and showed her) about my ostomy. She was very understanding and seemed eager to learn more.”

“My advice would be, if you’re a person who doesn’t have an ostomy and finds yourself dating someone with an ostomy, educate yourself and do your best to understand your partner, their limitations (if any), and then just treat them as a regular person!” Taylor says.

Taylor also advises that if you have an ostomy and find yourself with someone who doesn’t have an ostomy. “Give the partner an opportunity to accept you and make the choice for themselves on what they’re comfortable with. You’re not for everyone and that’s ok and vice versa! I think it will always be slightly nerve-wracking to have a body that isn’t “normal” by current beauty standards because of the fear of rejection and embarrassment, Taylor says. “Society tends to tell us that no one will want us if there’s something “wrong” with us. But, if you can muster the courage to put yourself out there, the outcome may be better than you ever imagined!”

I don’t think we will have any more challenges than the average couple… we just poop differently. -Michael Ross

In Sickness and in Health

Caregiving has been a consistent part of Taylor and Michael’s relationship. “When Michael had to have revision surgery, I wanted to make sure he’d have easily accessible food so he could focus on healing. I came over to his house prior to surgery and we made a few different meals to freeze. It was a great feeling for me that we got to spend time together cooking and his food would be taken care of while he recovered. He was used to taking care of himself so it meant a lot to me to do this for him.”

Meanwhile, Taylor started dealing with her own undiagnosed chronic illness. “I had to go to the Mayo Clinic while we were dating, and he took time off of work to come with me for a week. He came to all my appointments and helped me navigate all my emotions with what I was dealing with. This is the kind of thing we do for each other, we try to make the hard times easier by taking care of the small things and the big things,” she says.

Just a year and a half ago Taylor, with her health worsening Taylor had ostomy surgery as a result of chronic constipation. For better or worse they were now an ostomate couple.

A Couple of Ostomates

After her ostomy surgery, Taylor says she, “shared with him every single aspect of what I was going through. It was nice to be with someone who already knew! It felt good from my perspective to understand him better, now that we had the same appliance… I actually knew first-hand what he was dealing with.”

Michael says that one of the best parts of being with another ostomate is knowing that someone really understands what you are going through. “It’s nice to be able to compare notes on new products and understand when my partner isn’t feeling well, to have the option to share supplies, tag along to doctor’s appointments, and ask questions about care, procedures, and recovery,” he says.

In addition to a new mutual understanding of health issues, Taylor says, “We know what to do if one of us isn’t feeling well. We just understand each other on a deeper level. He accepts me as an individual and he accepts my body even as it changes with all my health challenges.”

It felt good from my perspective to understand him better, now that we had the same appliance… I actually knew first-hand what he was dealing with. -Taylor Mitchell

As for difficulties, they both dread a possible double leak at night, and can imagine the challenge of not feeling well at the same time or needing a procedure around the same time. Taylor says the most challenging part has been encouraging the other to stick to the foods that work for us, to drink water more consistently, and get our electrolytes in.” Michael concludes, “I don’t think we will have any more challenges than the average couple… we just poop differently.”

Finding Community and Support

Even with partner support, Taylor says “UOAA has been so incredibly important to me in my ostomy journey. When I first got my ostomy, I scoured the UOAA website and read every piece of information I could find which helped ease my mind and answer my questions. UOAA’s website also helped me to be able to share information about my ostomy with family and friends.”

The couple, who both work in logistics, has recently moved to Colorado but while in Alaska both say they had the good fortune of having Luella Odmark as their WOC nurse.

“Luella is an amazing individual who cares so deeply about ostomates,” Taylor says. She does a training for nurses at one of our hospitals and has invited my husband and I to speak to the class about our ostomy history, give advice on what we wish we had from nurses, doctors, and hospital staff as well as sharing some of our favorite products,” she adds.

“I enjoyed observing the transformation of two people pursuing their own interests, coming together, including getting married, now mentoring others about ostomies,” says  Odmark, a WOC Nurse and the leader of the Anchorage Ostomy Support Group. “I hope to see them continue to spread hope about living with an ostomy,” Odmark adds.

Odmark also joins the couple each Ostomy Awareness Day to walk the Run for Resilience Ostomy 5k. The experience was especially meaningful to Taylor. “The Ostomy 5k was a huge accomplishment the first time I did it because I was three months post op and it was a huge struggle for me to walk a 5k, I almost didn’t finish it and wanted to give up so many times. Taylor continues, “My second time, this year, it was still a hard thing for me to accomplish but I did so much better! I loved seeing people from all over doing their 5k however was comfortable for them. It was encouraging!”

 

UOAA has been so incredibly important to me in my ostomy journey. -Taylor Mitchell

Taylor is especially open about her ostomy journey and embraces Ostomy Awareness Day as a chance to connect with more people online and see their stories. “It’s such a nice feeling to know that I am not alone. I see people who are confident with their ostomy and I see people who are working to build their confidence,” Taylor says.

Taylor hopes to help even more people and nurses through UOAA outreach opportunities. “I love UOAA’s mission, I love the work they do, and I love all the resources that are available for FREE so financial barriers are removed for as many people as possible. Accessibility is so important! I am proud to be a supporter of UOAA.”

Michael agrees and adds, “I’m very thankful for all of the people that organize the walk, work with ostomates, and are around to help us on our ostomy journey. I’m most thankful for my wife, who I get to take this journey with every day.”

 

Relationships, Sex & Intimacy with an Ostomy or IBD

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By Elaine O’Rourke, Ostomy & IBD Health Mentor

When you are able to talk honestly about sex and intimacy, it will help build a healthier relationship. A chronic illness or an ostomy can bring up different issues around relationships, whether you are single or in a partnership.

You may wonder when to tell a potential partner about your medical history or how to rediscover passion within your current relationship. You may need to get creative with how you are having sex and pleasuring each other.

How to communicate effectively

This is the key to everything in life! So needless to say it is the key when you are in a relationship. Yet, it can be so difficult to communicate effectively.

Personally, I try to express, with compassion, what I am experiencing and being open to hearing their perspective. This will help open the dialogue about sex and intimacy.

It is so important to get comfortable talking about your ostomy, IBD or any chronic illness with your partner. If you’re not feeling sexy, desirable or if it’s painful to have sex then your partner needs to know. Likewise, your partner may be having difficulty accepting your new body and feel guilty about that.

Seek help if you need it. As an Ostomy/IBD Health Mentor I help people with many of the emotional issues that arise.

Check out this video clip from my talk on “Intimacy” at the Girls with Guts retreat last year.

Your partners perspective

It can also be really difficult for your partner to witness you go through so much pain.  It’s important to nurture your partner too. Ask them if they have questions about your ostomy or how things work. They might be feeling nervous and afraid. By opening the conversation you are helping them to voice how they are feeling and how they are dealing.

Sex

The act of sex includes sexual intercourse. But this may not be possible for everybody. Or you might discover that it feels very different depending on what surgery you have. It might be painful or you may not be able to have an erection or ejaculate. (See videos on Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy and Men’s Health with IBD or Ostomy).

If you are in your head and worried about what your partner thinks, or if you are embarrassed or self-conscious about how you look, then it will be really hard to let go and enjoy sex. Feelings of being inhibited need to be addressed. This is an area included in my ostomy and IBD programs.

Rekindling your relationship

Practicing patience and knowing you have to give your body time to heal. Your partner needs to know how you are feeling. If you are dating someone you need to explain to them what’s going on. It’ll either make or break a relationship. 

If sexual intercourse isn’t possible then get creative with other ways of pleasuring each other through oral sex, touching, kissing, cuddling, sex toys.

Logistics

Before sex I always empty the pouch. I’m not taking any chances! You will feel much better about things and your partner will be grateful too.

If a position doesn’t work for you then you have to let your partner know. Know your boundaries.

Take your time to get to know each other again, to become familiar with how your bodies work together now. Be patient with each other. And make it fun. Remember the more comfortable you are about your body, the more comfortable your partner will be.

If you are having a flare up, or going through cancer treatments then chances are you are not feeling sexy at all and a cuddle is all you can handle.

Intimacy

Intimacy requires really opening up more and letting someone see you for who you are. Being able to share you fears and worries, being vulnerable, honest and authentic.

Intimacy is different to the act of sex but when combined then it makes a really healthy relationship.

Intimacy creates sensitivity. When you are intimate you become sensitive to yourself and to others.

When to tell someone about your ostomy or illness

Each relationship is going to be different. It may also depend on how long you’ve had your ostomy or illness.

Personally I wouldn’t intend to tell someone on a first date that I have an ostomy but if the timing is right then I might.

Most importantly, is to honor how you are feeling. It’s all about what you are comfortable with. You want someone to form an opinion on your personality and not based around your ostomy or diagnosis.

Sometimes, just having an ostomy has been a great way to NOT have a one-night stand!

If you are having a one-night stand then tell the person beforehand. But try not to go into a feeling of rejection if they don’t want to proceed. They are probably doing you a favor in that case! (See video below on Overcoming rejection with Chronic Illness or Ostomy).

I’ve found that when I explain the events leading to my ostomy how ill I was and then there is more empathy and understanding of why I’ve an ostomy and all that I’ve endured.

Resources

Blog and video on Sexual Issues with an Ostomy has great information along with the https://elaineorourke.com/sexual-issues-with-an-ostomy-or-ibd/

UOAA has a sexuality guide which explains the types of surgeries, and how they affect sexual function and the emotional component as well.

Make sure to grab your FREE GUIDE: ‘3 simple ways to eliminate fears about your ostomy” by visiting Elaine’s website www.ElaineOrourke.com

About Elaine

Elaine O’Rourke is an Ostomy/IBD Health Mentor and the creator of the program “Surviving To Thriving: Overcoming Ostomy Challenges So You Can Live a FulFilling Life”.  She is a certified Yoga Therapist & Teacher since 2003, Sound Healer, EFT & Reiki Practitioner, Recording Artist and International Retreat Leader. Her lighthearted and fun personality shines through her teachings/programs as she loves to inspire others.  She is a contributing writer to the national Phoenix Magazine and UOAA, presenter at the UOAA National Conference and speaker at Girls with Guts retreat. 

YouTube: Elaine O’Rourke Yoga, Ostomy, IBD

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ostomyibdlife/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ostomyibdlife/

Web: www.ElaineOrourke.com

How to Have a Thriving Social Life While Living With an Ostomy

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Getting to a place where you feel confident in yourself and your new routine might take some time. There are many factors to consider following your ostomy surgery, but there are also many resources available to you while you are adjusting to normal life. Having a thriving social life is not out of the question, and with some time and patience with your body, you will be living your best life.

Beginning Stages

In the beginning, it will be important to keep some sort of a journal or diary as you experiment with new foods and beverages. Figuring out how different foods and beverages affect your body will influence your social life with regards to dining out. It might be helpful to eat smaller meals more often throughout your day as you record what foods tend to cause more gas or which foods are harder for your body to break down. Remember to drink lots of water and chew your food well.

As you move from blander and softer foods to a more regular and high-fiber foods, you will notice more regularity in your bowel movements. Understanding your body’s schedule will be key in planning outings, dates, and events. As you begin to venture out of the house more, remember to bring extra supplies with you and locate the restrooms should you need one with short notice.

Getting Out There

As your confidence builds, and your ostomy becomes routine and normal to you, saying ‘yes’ to more things will become easier and easier. If you were an active person before your surgery, you will be able to resume your active lifestyle. Whether going to the gym, running along the beach, hiking through a forest, or playing a pick-up game of basketball, exercise is key to keeping you mentally, emotionally and physically fit. While you will need to be cautious in the beginning so you can fully heal, there are few limitations on what your body can do with ostomy. If you are having a hard time figuring out what clothing or specific products will help to keep things in place during your activities, Coloplast has put together solutions for a variety of different sports and activities.

Making friends aware of your new ostomy can be intimidating at first. Preparing an informative, concise story to tell people may help ease your mind. Connecting with your friends and family can help you to stay positive and hopeful and will make the transition back to regular life much more manageable. Share as little or as much as you feel comfortable about your ostomy, but keep in mind that talking about it can be beneficial to both parties.

If you are in a romantic relationship, it is likely that your partner is already aware of your surgery and new ostomy. Good communication and honesty about your feelings and your partner’s feelings will be vital to the future of your relationship. It may take time for you to feel ready to be sexually active following your surgery, but exploring this as a couple and in the timing that works best for you will go a long way in helping your relationship succeed.

Meet Others Like You

You are not alone in this new change to your body. There are many people living with an ostomy already out there who are interested in connecting and sharing their stories. It can be helpful to talk to someone who is in a similar situation and who will understand the ups and downs of this new routine. Getting connected to a group or network that shares your story can be radically healing and help with your confidence and self-esteem, not to mention broaden your social network. If you aren’t ready to venture out to a group just yet, you may want to begin by watching and hearing stories from others living with an ostomy to see how they were able to travel, date, go back to work, stay active, and enjoy a healthy sex life.

Whatever stage you are at in your recovery and healing process; if you are adapting to a new routine with your pouching system or working your way to sexual confidence with a partner, know that it is possible. While it may feel daunting to say yes to a date or go out to dinner with a group of friends, with just a little extra planning and the support of others, you can have a thriving social life with an ostomy.

 

Editor’s note: This article is from one of our digital sponsors, Coloplast. Sponsor support along with donations from readers like you help to maintain our website and the free trusted resources of UOAA, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

Date Night with an Ostomy

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Are you feeling nervous at the thought of date night after ostomy surgery? You’re not alone. With a little planning ahead, you can be sure to have a great night out.

My first question would be, what are your plans for the evening? Plans might be different for a first date versus dining with a long-term partner or spouse. You might be considering an outdoor outing following dinner, such as a walk. Or you may need to keep in mind if there is a potential for intimacy at the end of the night.

Keep in mind where you will be throughout the evening. Will you be in a place where you won’t have access to a bathroom, or do have access, but have concerns about odor? There are certain foods or drinks that will cause an increase in output, gas and a potential embarrassing smell. Check out tips and tricks for diet here, but keep in mind that everyone will react differently; so you will need to try things out. I don’t entirely follow all the “food rules”, but I do limit carbonated drinks and monitor how much I eat. I’m lucky, my stomach can handle most foods. I do not get blockages and am not too concerned about potential odors.

If you fear odor that may accompany emptying your pouch, I recommend carrying a small bottle of odor eliminating toilet spray. You spray it in your toilet before you empty, and it helps hide the odor. Now that doesn’t solve the problem entirely, but in combination with a lubricating deodorant you can empty with more confidence.
If you do end up having a little more output than expected without access to a bathroom, I find using one of the Ostomysecrets® wraps to both hide the potential bulge from your shirt or leverage extra support in case you fear an accident. The wrap can also prevent self-consciousness if your shirt “accidentally” comes off during the date or evening.

If you are hoping to avoid the bathroom altogether, keep in mind, how much you eat will also drive output. If you eat a lot, then you could potentially be in and out of the bathroom all night.

Bottom line: plan ahead thinking about where you’re going, what your plans are and you’ll be able to face the evening with even more confidence!
~
Randy Snyder

 

Editor’s note: This article is from one of our digital sponsors, ConvaTec. Sponsor support along with donations from readers like you help to maintain our website and the free trusted resources of UOAA, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

Dating With An Ostomy

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Don’t Let Your Ostomy Stop You From Dating!

Easing back into the dating scene may feel scary and impossible, it’s normal to want to take your time and get comfortable with your daily routine before tackling dating. It is possible, however, and going on dates might actually help to increase your comfort and confidence.

Finding the Perfect Date Location

When you are ready, choose a location that is familiar to you. If it’s not too far from home and you already know where the restrooms are, you will feel more in control of the situation and it will ease your mind. You can choose to keep the first couple of dates casual and relatively short to ensure your comfort.

You might even want to get together with a close friend who knows about your ostomy and go out shopping for a new outfit, something that will make you feel positive and bold. If the location of the date is unknown to you, use this time to also stop by and get a feel for the environment. It’s fine to want all the information ahead of time so all you need to worry about during your date is seeing if there’s a romantic spark.

Are Things Beginning to Heat Up?

Of course if things are beginning to heat up with someone, you will probably want to think about sharing about your ostomy. Remember that it’s completely up to you when and how to do this. It may be helpful to write down what you want to communicate beforehand to help with your confidence and directness. Feel free to keep it short and then offer to field some questions that your new partner might have. Remember, if a romantic interest can’t accept you as you are, they are not the one for you.

More Resources

If the idea of ostomy sex makes you nervous, it may be helpful to talk to someone who has been down that road before. Speak with someone who has experience living with an ostomy to find out how they navigated similar situations. Your nurse may have information of local networks or support groups. You can start your search to meet others in your situation on our website.

Find our additional information on intimacy and your stoma.

Editor’s note: This article is from one of our digital sponsors, Coloplast. Sponsor support along with donations from readers like you help to maintain our website and the free trusted resources of UOAA, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

Dating Life

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The Black and White of it? Support is Everything.

By Tricia Hottenstein  stomamama.com

I recently shared an article about a little boy who was bullied so badly that after twenty-six surgeries, he decided to take his own life. It hit me so hard. I read it with tears rolling down my face, my heart hurting for his loved ones and my soul hurting for the things he must have felt. I read it after spending a long weekend in the hospital and after undergoing three of four surgeries in just two months. I read it knowing the hurt of bullying and the feeling of people looking at me with any variant of disgust when seeing or talking about my ostomy bag. I read it after writing and sharing what was basically a diary entry of overwhelming emotions. It is by no means comparable, but it made me think a lot about the strong support system around me. I know that my mindset is shaped so greatly by those handpicked few who always have my back and in the midst of this article, fresh in my own rehashed wounds, my gratitude for life and the way it all works out has increased. I can’t be certain I’d have made it through the last few months had they happened to me a year ago when I was already down and struggling. Support is everything.         

I’ve had an ex who was (and still is) really supportive and caring, and one who made me cry and feel worthless in a hospital room. I’ve also had an ex who couldn’t hide his lack of understanding or his overly dramatic gags when he saw me changing my bag. The embarrassment and disrespect was the exact reason why I decided to mention my stoma the very first time I met my boyfriend. I had since decided that anyone who was less than understanding would be an immediate no. I was afraid of dating with an ostomy, but I was no longer willing to feel like a burden or anything less than sexy. I would be okay being single and building myself back up on my own.

And then practically out of nowhere, I was on a date. I was nervous in spite of it going so well, or maybe because it was. I spent many moments of conversation wondering if they were the right moments to bring up the surgery. I speak so freely of my bag to everyone. I answer questions from coworkers, friends, family, and strangers without thinking twice. This is my bag; it saved my life! It is worth talking about. But how do I casually bring this up without awkwardly ending a date? What if his response wasn’t what I wanted it to be? Although, that’s the point, right? I’m old enough, I’ve been through enough. No more on the fence with anything. It is black and white and I’m not moving forward with any more gray.

“Tell me something about yourself that would surprise me.” To be honest, I don’t even remember if he eventually answered the question. All I know is he stared at me. This moment of oh shit in my mind as he was staring at me, half laughing, shocked to be put on the spot. So I just went for it. “I don’t have a colon!” More stares, more shock. I explained the scenario in a nutshell. The disease, the surgery, and the bag I’ve had for several years.

“Well… I guess…that’s kind of shitty, huh?” The words hung in the air before we both laughed. And in all honesty, my reaction to that response could have been a variable one depending on many factors. But really, how better to respond? Because I don’t want someone who will constantly feel sorry for me, or who will treat me any differently. Rather, I want someone who will make me laugh, who will be understanding and upbeat, and who will continue on with the conversation afterward as if it is no big deal. Sure, there were questions to be asked, but not a single one of them seemed to really matter. And there it was, in black and white and bar lights: this glimmer of hope.

As it would turn out, it couldn’t have come at a better time. A few short months later, I was back in hospital gowns and waiting rooms. And not once did he flinch. Not when I delivered awful news, not while he sat next to me in pre-op, not when my bag leaked in the middle of the night or I got frustrated and had tears running down my face. The reality is, most of the time I didn’t even have time to process things before he was reassuring me I’d be okay and distracting me with nonstop laughter.

When I’m in the trenches, when I’m alone, when I think too much, it is easy to go to a place of overwhelming emotions. I have spent more than half of my life with this disease, and surgery went so well that I thought the rest of my life would be smooth sailing. I was finally meeting people who had never known me as sick. It sounds so irrelevant, but it is a huge deal. I remember several years ago when a family member introduced me as “the sick one.” It was intended to be harmless. Intended simply as a way for their friend to put a face to the person they had obviously spoken of. The person undergoing IV therapy, taking twenty-some pills a day, piling up medical debt, and seeing the best physicians while still unable to leave the house most days. It cut through me and it scarred deep. But post-op, there was this moment in life where that was no longer me. Now I was strong. I was an adventurer. I was healthy.

The frustration when that all came crashing down was audible. Suddenly I was right back down to the some of the lowest points in my life. I was again “the sick one.” Somehow even when things had been slowly going downhill, I was blinded enough by the highs to be shocked when I was back to square one. I was angry. I felt sorry for myself and felt alone despite the people around me. I started to prepare myself again for the life full of battles, ready to sink back to that person who laid in the fetal position on the sofa, unable to eat or move or laugh from deep within my belly. I just kept thinking, over and over, that this is my life. I had a whole other vision for it after my ostomy surgery, but this person, right here, in a hospital room getting bad news? This is my life.

Until the person next to me, the person who responded to the news of my ostomy when we first met with a poop joke, responded with another poop joke. The kind that made me laugh so hard that all the ugly tears shook off my face. And as he wiped the remnants of them away, he reassured me. With a few simple words, he reminded me of my actual life. Reality. Yes, I am the sick one. But I’m also the healthy one. In black and white, that is my life. Some days I will be an adventurer. I’ll feel healthy, I’ll laugh, and I’ll enjoy the smooth sailing. And some days I will be sick. I’ll be a warrior. I’ll look for hope and rely on others. And their support will be everything.

 

UOAA Resources:

Emotional Concerns

Sexuality

Living with an Ostomy